Beginner’s guide to healing
Technically my beginner guide: but apply it where you can :)
___
This past year has been a journey of healing and transformation in ways I never anticipated. I used to think I knew what unconditional love was, but it wasn’t until I was thrown into the depth of my own vulnerability that I truly began to understand it. It’s so easy to claim we love unconditionally, yet so often, there are tiny conditions hidden away in tiny crevices, waiting to surface when things get hard. Like when your family is acting wild, I would conditionally love those Mofo’s…
Over these months, I’ve cried, felt deeply, reflected, and kept moving forward, embracing every moment of it. My ex-husband and I have found a new kind of friendship. Sure, he might still be feeling his own emotions and working through things (or not) who knows, and that’s his journey to make. But for me, when I think of him, it’s only love that I feel. And no, this isn’t some unrequited love, some longing for a reconciliation (please take me back nonsense) —it’s a deeper, soul-level love. I can now see past the layers of ego-driven love to something purer, a love that just exists without needing anything in return.
When we first separated, I was devastated. I felt abandoned, cast aside by the person I thought was "my guy" you know. But, in confronting that pain, along with other past traumas and those uncomfortable memories I’d rather ignore, I was shown a powerful truth: I am complete just as I am. I am love. I have everything I’ve ever needed within me. I finally realized that every bit of love, security, and validation I was looking for from others had been inside of me all along. I am enough. This is something that is not new. We hear it in movies, podcasts, church. We see it in books and on social media. It is the truth and once it finally clicks you can’t see things the way you used to, or at least I can’t.
All those times I felt desperate for love, for support, for safety in a relationship, I was looking for something external to fill an internal need. Crazy right. But here’s the thing—if I was searching for it, that meant I already knew what it felt like. That feeling of safety? Of love, compassion, acceptance? Those weren’t things I needed from someone else; they were already part of who I am. I realized I was whole because I exist. I am everything. When I was looking outside myself to feel complete, I was missing the point. I was letting my ego convince me that I needed someone else’s approval to be worthy. But worthiness, just like love, is not something you find—it’s something you embody (that was a small sample of my testament, ha). Anyway, I spent years placing value on others’ opinions—close friends, parents, siblings, teachers, classmates, the fuckin cross walk lady, ex’s…the whole shebang—anyone who might validate me. I needed everyone to not necessarily approve of me, but to not dislike me. But guess what, cuties? I’ve taken all of that back. Every ounce of love I was looking for was already within me.
As I look back over this year, I see that people are inherently good. Yes, sometimes their egos lead them astray, but at their core, they’re good. Who am I to judge their path? They’re just as much on their journey as I am on mine. For instance, I forgave my ex—not because he asked for forgiveness (he didn’t) but because I realized that an apology doesn’t define my worth. An apology is just words, and words hold no power over who I am. My ego once valued those things, but I no longer need validation from anyone. I’m done valuing myself based on someone else’s opinions. I love my ex because I see beyond his ego; I see the goodness in him, just as I see it in myself. And in this new understanding, I see how beautiful we all are. Some of us are simply not yet awake to our truest selves, and that’s okay. We’re each unfolding in our own time, and that’s exactly how it’s meant to be.
