Ex

This mother F er. This one right here. . . If this post ever finds its way into your life,  suck it!

It’s my freshman year in high school. I had good grades, played sports (sat the bench), had a great group of friends. I was a wonderful daughter, super honest, loving, and just wanted people to like me. Weeelll, I just didn’t want people to not like me. My brother and sister were a year ahead of me, so I got to hang with them and all their friends as well. There I was, just minding my own business when all of a sudden, BAM! This son of a B pops into my life. He was a junior at the time and definitely older than me as he was held back a year at some point in his childhood. Anyway, freshman yuri is thinking, "Woah, this older guy is into me, I’m hot shit" - just kidding! But I was kind of surprised. It’s a whole new experience - high school and all of the stuff that I’ve seen on TV and movies about school, boys, sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Basically, just a newness I hadn’t experienced yet. Oh, and I wasn’t allowed to date at the time, you know, like seriously because my brain had not fully developed and my parents thought these restrictions would keep me safe and ensure zero teen pregnancies in their household.

So, this guy and I start talking, and turns out he’s dating somebody. I didn’t know that at the time. He starts saying that she's obsessed with him and crazy. I didn’t have the life experience to know at the time that he was manipulating me, little yuri. He was also being awful to this other girl at the time. I was just over the F-ing moon at the time that this guy wanted to be with me and not this other girl. This was my world at the time, it was narrow. I had blinders on and couldn’t see the harm in this relationship.

This guy was verbally, mentally, physically, and sexually abusive (that was strange typing just now). I was a child and this guy took advantage of my innocence. He was my first everything because I was super happy somebody loved me. He would keep tabs on me, follow me, show up at my home unannounced, restrict my friendships, call me names, put his hands on my small frame, physically hurt me. I must have been numb to all of it. He scared me, but I thought that was the love I deserved. I didn’t have great self-esteem, as I was body-shamed and talked down to by him. I thought that he just had my best interest because this guy said he loved me. I was lying to my parents, and it was eating me alive.

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It’s sophomore year now, and he is now an 18 or 19-year-old senior. This man has only gotten worse, and I hated myself. I was scared to break up with him because he said that he would tell my parents all of the shit we ever did, sexually. He also said that he would tell them about all of the drugs and alcohol and partying I was doing. The thing is, I never did any of that during that time. I couldn’t do anything while we were dating. He knew this and said that he would tell my parents and reassured that they would believe him and not me... How fucking awful, right? I was terrified, and I couldn’t leave him or he would tell everyone these lies. He was blackmailing me. I felt like I couldn’t do anything but be numb and take the abuse. I used to pray that he would cheat on me so that I could have an out.

There was a moment when lying to my parents about everything got a little too heavy. My parents were and still are hardworking people. I mentioned this in another post, but they are all about education and success. My mom would pawn her jewelry to pay our tuition at times, and both of them worked long hours to provide. Money was tight, and I understood that.

Story Time within a Story

One random day, my mom, expressing her love language, came home with this new TI calculator I had been eyeing. A normal calculator would have sufficed, but she knew her smart (dishonest) girl loved this transparent light blue TI calculator. I was so happy, and I took care of that thing like it was a little baby bird. There's a point to that sweet moment... This man, my ex, came over to my house uninvited after school while I was the only one there. He was angry at something, and I was scared of his rage because it never ended well. He grabbed my baby bird of a calculator and smashed it, knowing how much it meant to me. I then heard my mom opening the front door, and he jumped out of a window to hide. I ran downstairs to meet my mom with my calculator behind my back. I started sobbing, frankly because I was terrified of that man and felt like this was going to be the rest of my life. The fact that my parents bought me something made me feel like I didn't deserve anything. I was lying; I felt like that was the only thing I could do. My mom was scared; she didn't know what was going on, and all I could say was that I accidentally broke my calculator, showing her the pieces in my hand. She grabbed me, hugged me, and basically said, "Who the hell cares? It's replaceable." My guilt was eating me alive. I hated myself for being dishonest and hated the fear I was living with. So rather than praying this man cheated on me so that I could break away scot-free, I started to pray for courage. I couldn't ignore my gut feeling anymore.

I started talking:

I opened up to my cousin; he was basically more of a brother than some of my brothers were to me at the time. He asked me if any of the blackmail was true, and I was honest. The sex part was real, but I didn't want to share the sexual abuse portion with him because he would have handled the situation on his own for me. He basically told me what I needed to hear. It was the truth, but I had heard how unworthy and unlovable I was for a while that I just didn't feel like I deserved better. My cousin told me he loved me, my parents loved me, and my parents wouldn't believe this random dude over their daughter. He assured me that he would be with me no matter what. I had to tell my parents about this man and what was going on. They believed me, and I felt like a building was taken off of me. I could breathe again.

I called this guy up and ended it. Bada bing, bada boom. No explanation. He didn't deserve my energy. This guy showed up quicker than a Jimmy John's sandwich. He started yelling at my parents, told them everything he planned, and my parents asked him to leave. All of his words fell to the floor, and I cried. I felt safe again. My parents were disappointed, in themselves and in me. I was in so deep that I felt like I couldn't just talk to them because I thought they would be so ashamed of me. I was dishonest and had to gain back their trust. Remember, I didn't want them to hate me.

This was the ex that I blocked out of my mind, maybe some sort of PTSD because internally I felt like this was wrong and somehow my subconscious must have built a wall to protect me from my past. My brain just blurred his story out of my life until I was ready to work through it. 

Now... my story is not the same as yours. I hate that little Yuri endured this. I wanted to save her and hold her tight, maybe that’s why older me wants everyone in the world to know how special they are, how valuable they are. I’ve learned what healthy relationships look like, and that was not it. I can only speak from experience, but if you find that this resonated and you’re in a relationship that is not filling you with love—this could be familial, friends, job, dating, marriage—my sincere message to you is: you matter. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. You will be helped, but continue to speak up. It may feel and look hopeless, but there is another side. Know who you are and the rest won’t affect you. They are just words or actions from people who do not love themselves, that’s why they treat people like shit. They can work on their own stuff, but you aren’t a punching bag. You are the mother F-in main character of your story. There is hope, and you have to know that you are worthy of so much more. Love and accept yourself so much that you are unbothered by people who are purposely trying to put you down. You are worthy of loving relationships. As soon as you realize that, you won’t accept anything less.

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love & guidance:

Know that the abuse you experienced was not your fault: It's important to remember that you did not cause the abuse, and you are not to blame for what happened. The responsibility lies solely with the person who chose to hurt you. Let go of any guilt or self-blame

• Seek support and confide in someone you trust: Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or counselor who can provide emotional support and guidance. Talking about your experiences can help you process your emotions and validate your feelings.

• Focus on healing and self-care: Give yourself permission to prioritize your well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy, practice self-care rituals, and explore healthy coping mechanisms such as journaling, art, exercise, or therapy. Take time to heal and nurture yourself.

• Surround yourself with positive influences: Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you. Seek out friendships and relationships that are based on respect, trust, and kindness. Distance yourself from individuals who exhibit abusive or manipulative behaviors.

• Work on rebuilding trust in yourself and others: Recognize that not everyone is the same, and not all relationships are toxic. Take small steps to trust others again, but always prioritize your own safety and well-being. It's okay to set boundaries and take things at your own pace.

• Cultivate self-love and self-worth: Remind yourself daily that you are worthy of love, respect, and happiness. Practice self-compassion, embrace your strengths and imperfections, and celebrate your unique qualities. Surround yourself with positive affirmations that reinforce your self-worth.

• Seek professional help if needed: Consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and abuse. They can provide guidance and support as you navigate your healing journey. Therapy can help you process your emotions, develop healthy coping strategies, and rebuild your self-esteem.

Remember, your past does not define you, and you have the power to shape your own future. You are deserving of love, respect, and healthy relationships. Keep prioritizing your well-being and growth, and know that there is hope for a brighter future.