Vasectomia

My husband got a vasectomy, cool cool cool.

My husband and I met through a mutual friend (let's call him T) on Tinder seven years ago. Our relationship was beautiful, fun, exciting, new, and loving. T and I rarely argued, as I usually went along with most things and never felt neglected. He works in finance and enjoys planning, so he took charge of organizing our lives, and I was fine with it. However, there were moments when I would jokingly mention his "only child syndrome," which was my way of saying he could be selfish. He started making decisions without consulting me when they concerned us as a couple. Although we were only dating at the time, I would address this issue and initiate open conversations about the importance of including me in his life, our decisions, and our future. This happened multiple times.

Conversations about having children would come up occasionally. It was inevitable, considering I come from a large family with five siblings and numerous nieces and nephews. Both T and I were unsure about it. It was never a definite "no." I honestly expressed my feelings: I wasn't eager to have a child right now, maybe in the future. If it happened accidentally later on, it would still be beautiful, and we would love our child. At the time, T felt the same way. We were both on the fence, not ruling it out completely, maybe considering it a year or two down the road. He even said he would be a wonderful father, and I believed him. He is a good, kind, and loving man.

Anyway, just before the COVID-19 pandemic hit, T finally proposed to me! I was ecstatic. I loved this man and couldn't be happier to spend my life with him. His beautiful blue eyes looked at me like no one else ever had. Our relationship felt effortless, and it was the healthiest romantic relationship I had experienced. So, everything was great, right?

Unfortunately, COVID-19 disrupted our wedding plans, and like everyone else, we adjusted our lives to the best of our abilities and regularly tested for the virus. We were in a new home and discussed renovations and getting a puppy—exciting things.

However, something changed within T amidst all the newness. Being a new homeowner, having a career, and planning a wedding brought him joy but also seemed to trigger his "only child syndrome" more frequently. He made most decisions regarding the house because mine didn't align with his vision or financial goals. His small decisions began overshadowing our joint decisions, and when my suggestions prevailed, I often backed down to avoid the negative attitude and reactions that came with his "OCS." We acknowledged this behavior and agreed to work on it during our conversations, as I didn't want to keep having the same discussion in therapy (we are currently in marriage counseling).

Things felt different with T, maybe due to his recent work promotion or the stress of wedding planning, but he seemed changed. He was highly involved in the wedding preparations, which was immensely helpful since I'm not the best at planning. However, some decisions were made without considering his partner, but I chose not to stir things up at that point. We got married in December 2022, and it was a beautiful wedding with a fun honeymoon.

3 to be exact. . .

We're two weeks into owning a new puppy, and if you've ever raised one, you knoooww. You know the full -blown commitment you’ve stupidly just signed up for. T made the decision to work from home full time, even though his boss suggested he return to the office. He wanted to stay home with the needy puppy. Having raised a puppy before, I know that they cry, but leaving them in a crate ensures their safety until you return.

Now, let me give you some backstory about what happened three months into our marriage. One weekend morning, we were discussing children when T scoffed and made a snide comment, saying he never wanted any. Hold up homie, what? I was taken aback and couldn't believe what I was hearing. He explained that if he had any doubts before getting the puppy, he was now 100% sure he didn't want children. He felt that he had lost control over his time and didn't want to make further sacrifices for children, both emotionally and financially. His words felt angry and insulting, and he even brought up divorce, suggesting that we end the marriage if I wanted children. I was flabbergasted. Literally no words for the man child that was in front of me. I can't hide my emotions; I'm sensitive, empathetic, and honest. I couldn't just act as if nothing had happened. We discussed this issue for days, and I was genuinely hurt. I wished he had come to this realization before we got married. Knowing how he felt made me sad and uncomfortable.

Months went by and the topic didn’t come up, as we tried to move forward. Eventually, the subject came up again, probably due to questions from our families or friends. T admitted that his stance on children hadn't changed, and just before our one year anniversary he reassured me that he was 100% not ever going to have a child and wouldn’t put it up to chance. He was going to schedule a vasectomy and that he wanted to be assured a childless life. He didn’t want the financial burden and responsibility of being a parent. I told him I was not okay with that. He was deciding for our marriage that we would never have a child. I didn’t have a say in that. I was met yet again with divorce and a post-nup ( I had to google what that word even meant). Girrrrrrrrlllllll I didn’t know what to think, say, react. I was fucking hurt. The man I loved and married had become the most selfish person in my life. How could he decide that for us, for me?

I suggested that he go to therapy first to ensure he was making the right choice for himself, as he seemed to be acting out of fear and selfishness. However, he declined and didn't see the need for outside guidance. Our anniversary was not great. I found it difficult to write sweet words to him because I felt that he didn't trust me. He gave me ultimatums and essentially said, "Fuck you." He went through with the vasectomy a couple of weeks later, prioritizing himself and his future.

After the vasectomy,

I don’t feel the same for him as I did before, he knows this. He doesn't fully grasp the hurt of not having a choice in our marriage. He keeps bringing it back to me wanting a child someday. I was left wondering what my purpose in this marriage was. I felt like I was just existing, just hanging out? We are in marriage counseling now and I’m glad that he has a space to express himself and it’s beneficial because someone else can offer their professional POV. I still can’t say with certainty that I’ll ever be a mom, but not having a choice in the matter has been a mind fuck. The ultimate decision and follow through of that decision made it clear that he is primarily concerned about himself. He says he loves me, I believe he does but in the way he knows how to, not how I need him to. Guarded and not fully committed to the whole “marriage” thing.  He has now started to go to therapy solo to work on himself and that’s wonderful. I hope that he gains the tools to navigate through future decisions and maybe even include the people he loves into his life.

So what now Yuri?!?! We're focusing on our personal growth. In a strange, almost surreal way, this situation has given me the freedom to enter the next phase of my life. Whatever the Fuck that means. Every action has a reaction, and this is no exception. His actions have deeply affected me. I've realized that I want the same love and trust that I give to my partner. If my partner is unwilling to do so, then I’m okay starting over. I will never beg someone for their love again. My family and my marriage are currently in the same boat. T has been kinder, but ultimately, I don't have much say in matters, and honestly, I'm exhausted from it. That's why I've decided to call this period the year of Yuri, where I focus on myself. I'm saying yes to new experiences and finding joy in life. I'm not neglecting the situation at home with T, but I understand that change doesn't happen overnight. Maybe therapy will help, and I'll determine if I'm genuinely happy to continue a life with him, but only if I'm valued as his equal in this marriage. That decision is up to me, and I know my worth. Time and energy will reveal if he can see that for himself, so TBD?.

Love & Guidance

• Communicate openly: Express your feelings and concerns to your partner about their decision. Share your disappointment, hurt, and the sense of not having a say in important matters. Open and honest communication is crucial in addressing issues.

• Seek (marriage) counseling: find a space to express your emotions and concerns. A professional therapist can provide guidance and help facilitate a productive conversation between you and your partner.

• Understand each other's perspectives

• Explore individual therapy: This can provide you with a safe space to process your emotions, gain clarity about your wants and needs, and strengthen your sense of self.

• Assess the health of your relationship: Evaluate whether your values, goals, and expectations align in crucial areas, such as decision-making, mutual respect, and equality.

• Take time for self-reflection: focus on your own well-being and personal growth. Reflect on your own desires, dreams, and boundaries. Consider what you want in a relationship and whether you're receiving the love, trust, and partnership you deserve.

• Reassess your priorities: Assess your own feelings and what are non-negotiable aspects of your future. Determine if you're willing to compromise on certain issues or if it's a fundamental need that must be addressed for your own happiness.

• Be patient and give it time: Healing and resolving complex issues take time. Patience, understanding, and a willingness to work on the relationship are crucial during this period of uncertainty.

Remember to Trust your instincts and prioritize your own well-being and happiness.